Really messed up
by Nasty-Duck-Breath
Summary: okay this one is stupid, if you read anything of mine dont judge this its the worst


Bella looked out the country cottage window. Sighed heavily and she stared into the perfect beyond. She was in the kitchen cooking dinner, wearing an apron and admiring the landscape of the perfect little home. Edward was in the lounge room watching television and waiting for his dinner to be finished.  
The microwave beeped and Bella scooped the roast meat out of the pan and walked into the lounge toward Edward. Edward gleefully took the plate from her and went to sit down.

"BELLA WHAT IS THIS?"  
Bella's inconceivably ridiculous unco-ordination had led to a terrible mistake as she rushed into the lounge room, cradling a raw piece of meat and finding Edward's plate with the charred body of their baby Renesme on it.  
A million emotions passed through their minds as their eyes met in shock.  
Bella babied the food to be cooked and cooked the baby to be babied.  
Despite the horror of the situation.  
The hilarity soon dawned upon them.  
"Yeah you sure stuffed up here didn't you Bell-Whore!"  
"Yeah I sure did Eddy, guess you want to beat me now huh?"  
"Yeah guess a good old beatings in order you cock drooling monkey slut, just wait while I go throw this baby body in the bag we have for bodies in the garage"  
"We have a bag for those I thought we just left them laying around" Bella said.  
"Well not really a bag I just cut open the corpse of some homeless guy" explained Edward.  
"Oh"

Mean while on his way to the mangled homeless man something happened to Edward.  
He looked into the eyes of Renesme.  
The newly cooked, medium rare eyes of his baby.  
She looked delicious, but in a new way now.  
She was a temptation.  
Edward admired the curves in her smooth baby body.  
Ok wait nooope no way im writing this and I guess I step over the line in all my stories but im not doing a love story between Edward the his dead daughter.

But its ok, you see I stopped before I really got into it  
So like if there is anyone out their reading the other shaking their head and finger at the same time and saying, "Oh no you di'int" Its really ok because I did not. Didn't. Di'Int.  
Anywho.

Emmet, the dark king of the nether world was planning his attack on Edward and Bella. He hated them.  
He hated their souls!  
(Insert reason for infathomable hate here)  
"I really hate them" blurted out the dark king of the nether world to no one in particular.  
But being a dark king he was in his throne room and he had heaps of lackeys around to hear him.  
"Arrrrrrhhhh! Yessssss Master" drooled Emmets most trusted ass kissing side kick apprentice helper Igor like creauture… his name was Barry.  
Barry helped Emmet with his schemes to kill his masters hated nemisis.  
It was kind of his thing,  
"What shall I doooo masterrrrr, shall I send in the raptor ninjaaaa's?" asked Barry.  
"No my dear bazza ( oh wait just like picture them in some big mad dark castle of evil and their in the throne room k)  
Anywhooo  
"No my dear bazza…. Not the raptor ninjas"  
"Shall I send the panda-raptor-platypus hybrid ninja pirates"  
"No bazza… not the panda-raptor-platypus hybrid ninja pirates… I shall send the…."  
"Send theee evil mutant frog monster vagina faced eeeeeeagles my Dark Masterrrrr?" Asked Barry.  
"No not them, I Think we shall send…"  
"The thirty something overweight women with attitude… pirates?" asked Bazza.  
"No Bazza… I shall send the…"  
"OH NO MASTER NOT THE GIANT BEE/SPIDER BUS EATING MONSTERS THAT VOMIT FIREY HATE….. ninja pirates?" Barry asked.  
(Was it Barry of Garry I forgot…)  
"No Bazza… I shall send the….  
"The king kong 50 cent hybrids?"  
"STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME WHORE BREATH SHIT WORM!"  
"Yesssssss master" (B)(G)azza agreed.  
(Why would I ask the readers questions? :S like I could have just scrolled up and see what I called him lol)  
(meh fuck it)

EDWARD has decided that beating Bella WAS not a very good idea, BEATING women is a very bad thing, THE worst thing to do, it was a cowardly thing to do, corwardly and SHIT, so Edward and Bella just went OUT side, under the shade OF a tree, BELLA was happy.  
Ok that's not what happened just read those last four lines, but only read the words in caps.

….



Edward playfully had skinned Bella set her hair on fire ejaculated over her disembowled intestines and tried to reatched her sawn off hand to her face after he had cooked it in the microwave until one of the fingers had exploded.  
The joys of marriage.  
And crimes against humanity.

At that moment the Eminem-Voldemort hybrid, the weapon of Emmet burst through the window… oh. Did I say Eminem Voldemort hybrid… I meant Eminem and Voldemort NINJA PIRATE HYBRID!!!!!  
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
All those capitol HHHHHHH together looks so trippy on my computer.  
Im single  
Doesn't that suck  
Bet you read this and your like wonder why.  
Fuck you  
Jerks

Anyway before Voldeminem smashed Bella and Ed he totally strangled the plot.  
Jokes there was no plot in the first place  
Then Billy Black like fully rocked up and started doing head spins in his wheel chair.

Due to a lack of attention Jacob burst through the wall, "look at me I'm paranormal faggot, who is attractive and sensitive, I don't really exist in any reality but I can be used as a marketing tool for rank ugly girls so they think they can be superior by shunning real life boys for my papery affection"  
Jacob caught some weird looks for that outburst.  
A fridge fell on him.  
Bella was like full on into what was happening and not getting side tracked like the author and totally wanted to fuck off Eminemmort.  
And she knew how to do it.  
She had the funniest joke of all time.  
She said, "Hey Voldeshady, two muffins are in the oven, one muffin says, gee its hot in here and the other one says… AAAAH A TALKING MUFFIN  
ahahhahahahahhahahahhaah"  
They all laughed.  
But Bella forget to run away so she was totally getting bitch slapped by Voldemort anyway. Mariah Carey ran into the room and was raped by pedo bear.  
And then Stephany Myer or whatever her name is totally got arrested for publicing a book that includes intense pedophilia by having a 100 year old virgin do a teenager. A teenager falling for a baby. And a girl kissing a boy who was really a dog.  
Ouch.

Anyway.  
So Emmets all like.  
Pissed and shit  
And totally kicks Bazza in the face for all my… spallin misstaykez.  
Spelling Misstackles.  
Woooo

Im lonely. Some one hit me up.  
:):):):) ahahhahaa hope I get swamped with adds on msn messenger


End file.
